Dear God, thank You again for Your answer. I am deeply grateful for Your responses and Your beautiful words, but most of all for the incredible love behind them.
I still am not clear about several things, so I would like to ask for further clarification.
You have helped me to understand that my judgments and intolerance get in the way of my effectiveness, but I don't know how to be nonjudgmental and more tolerant when I'm feeling so much fear, which seems to motivate my behavior more than I care to admit.
I observe that when I get judgmental towards someone, it begins in fear that turns into anger from feeling trapped in a situation caused by someone's continually violating our basic human rights, like the right to breathe clean, unpolluted air, the right to be free from persistent and unnecessary loud noise, and the right to be able to sleep through the night without continual unnecessary disturbances. And what really frightens me is that few people in today's world even seem to understand these as basic human rights anymore, at least not for anyone but themselves.
I wasn't judgmental toward our neighbors until their chain smoking was poisoning the air in our apartment day and night and making it difficult for us to breathe or sleep. Then, when the warm weather began, their all-night parties, fighting, etc. increased my fear of sleep deprivation. To add insult to injury, they were screaming obscenities all night long, until we felt that we lived in a tavern rather than an apartment.
Is it any wonder I became depressed by coarseness?
We endured it because we believed we had to.
My husband made several attempts to talk with them, but to no avail. We suffered in silence a long time before we finally took it to the manager, then to security, and finally, after our tires were slashed, to the police.
And You say my judgment slashed our tires! Do You see how frustrated I feel when You say that, God? I don't know what to make of it.
I know You are coming from love and I'm coming from fear, but I don't want this fear. I just don't know how to stop worrying about our health under such life-destructive circumstances. I don't know what to do, how to behave, when someone invades our space with deadly poisons, deafening or otherwise disturbing noise, etc.
Are we supposed to keep silent and just take it?
What about the bodily damage? Why do we have to fight just to keep our bodies alive on this planet?
What has happened to us? Why are our lives so demeaning that we don't even have the right any more to clean air and quiet? Why must our nerves constantly be attacked by the ubiquitous loud rock music that has invaded every corner of this planet? Is that not just as deadly a poison to the nervous system as breathing cigarette fumes night and day?
Must we just endure it?
Is there no peace and quiet to be had in the relative long enough to really heal?
You say that our neighbors are more tolerant than I am, but isn't that because they have deadened their feelings with tobacco and alcohol? Am I intolerant because I desire something different than the "majority", like clean air, quiet places to live, eat, sleep, study, work, play, and shop, and loving, caring people for neighbors? Am I wrong to want to escape from all the pollution and noise around us? And am I doomed because I'm supposed to see it differently all the while it's destroying my very physical structure?
And You suggest that had I been friends with our neighbors from the beginning all this trouble might not have started, but, first of all, how can you be friends with someone who sleeps when you're awake and is awake when you're asleep? We only occasionally got a glimpse of them, and they almost always had a burning cigarette in one hand and a beer bottle in the other, and looked about as friendly as a cornered rattlesnake. And given my early life experiences with angry men, is it surprising that I wanted to avoid them anyway? Was this intolerance or just common sense?
You desire that I heal myself and help bring healing to others. That I desire as well. But where can I find the space to heal when even our meditation can be interrupted any moment with rock music and/or cigarette fumes?
If You say I must look everyone in the eye and smile, then surely I will find the strength to do it, but I still question the wisdom of a woman looking an angry and/or intoxicated man in the eye. That's not wise according to what I've been taught. But if I do it in Your name, as You suggest, then they won't hurt me, will they?
This is very beautiful, Annette, how you are talking to Me One to One, listening to My response and coming back with your own. This is to be proud of because your honesty will raise you higher. You are respectful at the same time as you uphold your feelings. Is this what you thought you would regret? This above all, do not regret! I like to talk to you and to hear from you. I do not always like to be agreed with.
Now, you, My dear Annette, you like to be agreed with. You want everyone to be like you, to have the perception of the world that you do, to have your rightness.
Please do not think that I want anyone to blow cigarette smoke in your face, or wake you at night, or that you be forced to listen to vulgar speech and so on. No, I wish you a good night's sleep, fresh air, and peace and quiet. They are important to you.
What I wish to tell you is that they are not essential to your well-being. Cigarette smoke, noise, coarseness are not the masters of you. And I will tell you something: If you were not convinced that they were bad for you, if you did not believe they were a danger to you, these things that you have distaste for would not have become monsters in your eyes.
It is not your neighbor's noise and smoke and language that disturb you. It is your idea of them that does. What you think their actions mean disturbs your sleep more than the actuality.
You have made these annoyances into more than annoyances. You have made them the enemy, as if they are out to get you — cigarette smoke and so on.
Let Us say for a moment that cigarette smoke was good for you, that it had been proven to improve health. Let Us say for a moment that noise and swears are good for you — the more the better! — for they will culture your nervous system. Let Us say that quiet is not so good for you. What would happen, dear Annette? Might you have different feelings about them?
Let Us say for a moment that the smokers and drinkers and swearers who live next door to you say among themselves: "Do you believe there are some people who don't like partying, don't like to smoke, always speak perfect English, and never swear? We have neighbors like that! How can I enjoy life when they blow their attitude into my face? How can I be friends with them when they feel superior and don't want me to live my life as I wish to live it? They want to interfere with my life! They want me to be more like them, and I want to be me. Is this a crazy world or what?"
Instead of judgment that is so hard to change, substitute "attitude".
You cannot will your attitude to immediately change any more than you can your sense of righteousness. You cannot snap your fingers and your view is changed. I ask you to have the willingness to see differently, and maybe you will. Maybe you already are beginning to feel differently. Perhaps you do not feel quite so sanctimonious.
You may still feel, however, that your neighbors owe you an apology. Somewhere in your heart, Annette, when you get past your boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, perhaps you will silently apologize to them for your judgment.
I have told you to smile at these neighbors, and you have said, "How can I?" You say that because you are holding on to your sense of justice and your fears. They have had their trial and been found guilty, so why and how would you smile at them?
Of course, it is not a smile on the surface that makes the difference. It is some benevolence inside that does. That which transcends all the physical is love. Love soars above all the annoyances of life. But love has to be in the heart.
Their swearing means nothing. It is their manner of speech. But your aversion to them, your looking away, means something. Your thoughts seared them. Your thoughts cut them. Your heart cut them. And they slashed your tires. Not a good thing to do, Annette, but far less serious than your thoughts about them. Your vibes go through the walls. They hear your condemnation much louder than you hear their swears.
Despite the surface appearance, these neighbors have value in the universe. They live by different motifs, but they could save your life. In the crunches, you do not know how they would fare. But I do.
You do not know what their life has been that brought them to where they are. You do not know what misfortune they have suffered. Consider that you have been lucky, and they perhaps not so lucky.
Am I saying that you must cozy up to them? No, I do not. I say your heart is due for a change, and your neighbors are helping you to open your heart. And your heart is opening, Beloved.
Whatever your neighbors may or may not be, I am putting the responsibility for your response to them squarely on your shoulders. If they move or you move, let some love in your heart go with them. Bless them to My care, Annette. They are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility.
Tonight sleep well. Translate noise and smoke into love. Ease your heart. Have pleasant dreams. Remember that I am with you. Remember that you do not even need all the sleep you think you do.
Never hesitate to tell Me your feelings. My comprehension is great. And yours will rise to Mine.